[ applause ] >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of look out! >> we have about 5,000 customers taking the trains each and every day, safety as you know is paramount. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by med >> tonight troubling rumors about hillary clinton. i heard she slept way former president. then how request churches attract new members. get ready for log flume baptism. and my guest acclaimed document arian ken burns has a new film about the getties getties-- gettysburg address, i gave it four score out of five. oscar mayer is regarding 96,000 pounds of hot dogs for containing cheese. oh, a hot dog made with an identifiable food? gross. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central

welcome to the report, everybody, good to you have with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen. >> thank you, ladies and yes. >> thank you so much, nation. (cheers and applause) nation, i hope that-- anybody watching out there that if you know me at all you know that i am a huge supporter of the war on terror. it is a much better battle against an abstract concept than our war on appate. (laughter) frankly, i just couldn't see the point of that one. well, last week, folks, we got the bombshell news on the people we're shelling with bombs.

jim? >> u.s. intelligence analysts are examining a video that appears to show the largest al qaeda gathering in years. the recording recently appeared on jihadist web sites, the men are meeting in a rugged mountainous area. >> this video is part al qaeda pep rally and part propaganda. >> stephen: and this pep rally propaganda or prepa-ganda has been a huge viral success, especially with those jihaddists who have been waiting years for the sequel to their first hit, monkey bars! but this weekend the video got one resounding down vote. >> the large attack under way against an al qaeda affiliate in yemen just days after cnn first aired this video showing the group and its leadership meeting up in the open for everyone to see. >> yemeni officials are calling the operation unprecedented killing at least 65 militants. >> stephen: folks, let this be a lesson to everybody out

there. terrorists, but also teen, be careful what you post on social media, okay? remember, it seems innocent enough but it will be out there for the rest of your life, which for these guys was about five days. (laughter) if you really must upload your embarrassing party than will you make sure geo tagging is off. then post-it where you are sure no one will see it. like google plus. (laughter) now nation i don't mean-- sound advice. that is stephen's sound advice. nation, i don't mean to alarm you but hillary clinton continue its to exist. (laughter) she is the biggest threat to republicans in 2016 other than republicans in 2014. (laughter) and she has just become more threatening. >> we have been anticipating an announcement about hillary clinton's future.

and today we got one. she's going to be a grandmother. >> stephen: now obviously news of a grandchild is a joyous occasion. sow i just want to take a moment right now to put toll particular-- politic as side and offer the clinton family a heartfelt congratulations for such a shrewd political move. (laughter) right? right, fox news? >> i think a lot of this maybe this was planned. >> stephen: yes. maybe this was planned. and we all know only the most devious people would ever plan a pregnancy. (laughter) clear, clearly, folks, hillary clinton has engineered the birth of her first grandchild in a craven political ploy to seem endearing. i mean not even barack obama ever stooped to becoming a grandmother. (laughter) it's o obvious that she clearly sat down with her daughter and time up chelsea

oflation cycle with the political calendar. there is no other motivation for a couple in their 60s to want their daughter to give them a grandchild. (laughter) but some na-na naysayers say nay ney ney. >> don't you think that they are entitled to try to very a baby whenever they want. and by the way, if it was going to be planned t would be planned for next year when the campaign might actually be under way. >> stephen: good point, howie. if it was planned, the child would be born around the iowa caucuses. i mean what a waste of a perfectly good pregnancy. so that's not the only big news to come out of hillary's still mulling over whether this is the campaign. last week she was viciously attacked. >> between secretary of state and the possible run for president, hillary clinton found herself under fire as the keynote speaker at the las vegas convention of the scrap recycling industry. >> it's already recycling. >> a woman in the audience threw a shoe as clinton was speaking-- speaking

yesterday. fortunately her aim wasn't very good. >> what was that, a bat. was that a bat? is that somebody throwing something at me? is that part of cirque du soleil? (laughter) >> stephen: no, no secretary clinton f it was part of cirque du soleil the shoe would have performed a two-hour dream opera. and then charged you $200 a ticket. (laughter) now folks, i do not trust hillary clinton. and there's a ton of persons who agree with me. >> we had a call yesterday and basically this woman's theory is that mrs. clinton staged the whole incident where somebody threw a shoe at her. the clinton will well-known for staging things. do the clinton stage things? heck yes, they stage things. therefore s it outrageous that somebody would call here and think maybe hillary staged the shoe throwing-- no, it isn't outrageous. >> stephen: of course it could have been staged.

i mean think about it, she was standing on a stage. (laughter) folks, there's a conspiracy of foot afoot. which can only be fully addressed in my long running segment, stephen colbert's [bleep] serious. >> hear me out. >> stephen: where i explore conspiracy theories and pose the hard questions like in nine years why have i only done this segment once before? (laughter) what do they not want you to know? and if i'm in charge of my show, are they me? (laughter) now we may know the footwear but we're still trying to figure out the foot-why. rush?

>> i don't know why anybody would be throwing a shoe at hillary unless, and maybe it's an attempt to make the benghazi people look like nuts and lunatics and wackos even if it had anything to do with that which i don't know. >> stephen: yes, yes. yes. (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes, it's all part of hillary's plan to make the benghazi people look like wackos even if it even had anything to do with that which rush and i don't know because if it didn't then we look like wackos for bringing up benghazi now for no reason. oh, you're good! and folks, there are other-- (applause) there are other-- (laughter) she clearly planned it. no, no, we've got to go. folks there are other brave

shoe truthers or shouther like hermann caine who tweeted for the clin enand to the web site where a blogger put she doesn't put her hands up to protect herself and doesn't duck out of the way until the shoe already passed her and if there is one thing he knows is what to do when someone throws a shoe at you. >> oh shucky ducky. >> stephen: yes, but hillary, hillary, hillary did not shucky duck fast enough. and anyone, anyone who has thrown a shoe at a 66-year-old woman knows they react with cobra speed. (laughter) (applause) hillary, hillary's motivation-- i think you might be seeing more of this photo in the future. yes, i'm a psychic. hillary's motivation for staging this shoe-spiracy are obvious as a post on fox

news's bernie goldberg's blog suggests, remembering the bush incident, she may have calculated this would make her seem presidential. yes! yes, she has stolen president bush's most presidential moment, the only way, only way hillary clinton could seem more like a leader is if she choked on a pretzel while falling off a segue. i mean think about it. (cheers and applause) think about it! either this incident was one tiny machination in the vast master plan meticulously orchestrated by the clinton core, or some crazy lady threw a shoe at her. ask yourself this. which one of those two possibilities lets me talk about it for six minutes? (laughter) now continue to think about it, hillary is so devious it is possible even losing the 2000 primary was part of her

scheme. that way she doesn't become president in 2008, she can't get re-elected in 2012, steering a path for a shoe to be thrown at her the very same week we learn chelsea is pregnant. (cheers and applause) i mean it's like we're playing checkers and she's not so we're playing her side too and she's still beating us. (laughter) well, that's it for this edition of stephen colbert's [bleep] they arists unless are you listening to this from your fillings, in which case, i'll be with all night long. ♪

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>> welcome back, folks. folks, thank you so much. folks, i hope-- you checked your calendar you will know that yesterday was easter. so i just want to wish everybody a happy easter. but not for yesterday, for next season, okay. let me get things out early. while i'm at it happy labor day, now get back to work, peoplement but sadly recent pew research from the pew research center found that the percentage of americans who say the seldom or never attend religious services has risen. people aren't going to church. evidently, somebody blabbed about the god is everywhere loophole.

thankfully, this year some churches began spending money on giveaways and prizes in hopes of boosting atendance on easter sunday. alas, prizes. i mean what else were they going to lure people in w the promise of unconditional love and eternal salvation. they gave that out last year. now folks, falling attendance is worse among men, christianity has become unmanly. a lot of priests don't even have girlfriends. which is why i was happy to hear that some churches have found a way to put the dude back in deuteronomy, according to the "new york times", a small but growing number of evangelical churches have embraced mixed martial arts to convert young men. that makes sense. it's like jesus said f anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other check then keep turning until you deliver a round house kicking his jaw. yah! (cheers and applause)

yah! all this hard-core mma church action is in a new documentary called fight church. >> as christians, there are times where you take shots. that's where the bible gives you your training. >> i don't look like the typical pastor and that's okay within a couple of god fearing men punching each other in the face. >> ladies and gentlemen, this is pastor versus pastor. >> you got to learn to put your foot on his neck. somebody shout jesus. >> stephen: yes, somebody shout jesus! but probably not the guy with the foot on his neck. (laughter) all this time all this time we've been turning to jesus for answers to our deepest questions. but we missed the most central question of all. >> can you love your neighbor as yourself and then at the same time knee him in the face? (laughter)

>> stephen: yes, you can. especially if he keeps raking his leaves into your yard. this is the last warning, allen! and rest assured, folks, all this face kneeing is based on scripture. >> there is a verse in the bibele that says be wary when all men speak well of you. if everybody loves you, you are doing something wrong. >> stephen: and nothing makes you not be loved by someone quite like shattering his clavicle. which means you got to be doing something right. but at the end of the day fight church is about spreading the word. >> this is a battlefield. we need to charge him, not wait for them to come to us. >> at the end of the day it's about reaching people with the gospel regardless of what you do to introduce them to relationship with jesus christ. >> stephen: yes, it's a relationship with jesus christ. it's like a blind date during which you may be blinded. (laughter) but i say we can take hand to hand holy war even

further. i mean if watching two christians attack each other is fun wa, about a christian and a lion? (laughter) with action like that i bet you could fill up a stadium. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) i'll just press this, and you'll save on both. ding! ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, llllet's get ready to bundlllllle... [ holding final syllable ] oh, yeah, sorry! let's get ready to bundle and save. now, that's progressive. oh, i think i broke my spleen! home insurance provided and serviced by third party insurers. unwrap your paradise. soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. almond joy and mounds. unwrap paradise.

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a subaru. break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. a short word that's a tall order. up your game. up the ante. and if you stumble, you get back up. up isn't easy, and we ought to know. we're in the business of up. everyday delta flies a quarter of million people while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. we're raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. >> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a documentary filmmaker. i don't know, it didn't end well for the first guy who memorized it.

please welcome ken burns. (cheers and applause) hey, how are you. welcome back. >> thank you. >> okay, everybody knows ken burns, civil war, baseball, you got how many, you got two gram eyes, three peabody's, most impressively this is your sixth trip back to my show. >> exactly. >> stephen: what keeps the ken burns motor running? >> i'm working seven projects at once skz you're kidding. >> no, seven. >> stephen: you have a problem. >> i do. >> stephen: you're addict food history. >> i am addicted to history and i would be pregnant if i were a woman because i can't say no to a project. >> stephen: wow! that's bold. okay. your new project is called the address, film by ken burns. it just premiered april

15th. it is also available on dvd from the good people at pbs. now the address, the gettysburg address. >> exactly. >> stephen: what's the big deal about the gettysburg address, you know t gets a lot of press, a lot of press because it is short, you know t is easy to get through. >> it's lincoln-- . >> stephen: but is it really that good? or how much of it is hype? >> no hype, it's really that good. >> stephen: it's only 272 words. if it was good, i'm going to keep talking f it was good, wouldn't there be more of it? >> no, that's the beauty. pure presidential poetry, he's doubling down on the declaration of independence. because thomas jefferson said all men are created equal but he owned other human beings. lincoln freed those human beings and set in motion a kind of 2.0 version which the gettysburg address is we haven't replaced it. and in 272 words, in 10 sentence, the first one four score and seven years is where we've been, now we are

engaged in a great civil war is where we are, and the rest are about pulling us into a future that we have become. he asked us to be a different kind of people to have a new verse of freedom. and this film is about a small school in vermont where the kids suffer from dix lexia, adhd, a whole host of learning differences that makes their passage through school very challenging. but each year the school for the 35 years it has been in existence has challenged the kids to first mem orize it and then publicly recite the gettysburg address. >> stephen: and they compete against each other to be the one without gets to do this. >> no, no, they all do it they all mem orize it, and they have all-- . >> stephen: but does somebody win, isn't there a winner, is there a winner? because it sounds like you're having child fights against each other. just 50 children. >> exactly, no, no, there is a middle school and a high school, first, second and third. but they're all winners because they overcome this, look, we don't do any mem orization in school any more.

we used to mem orize a lot of stuff. >> i didn't do it before. >> we actually have a clip of the film. let's take a look. >> we have divided the gettysburg into five paragraphs for learning. >> four score and seven years ago our fathers-- brought forth on this continent a new nation with liberty and dedicated to the -- that all men are created equal. >> did you that very well. you can tell them what was going on in paragraph 1, about four score. >> how america-- about what is happening. >> our father. >> on this -- >> to the proposition. >> that all-- are equal. >> stephen: if lincoln had lost the war would we be mem orizing this? >> that's so interesting. >> stephen: of course, i

asked it? (laughter) >> selby foot in the civil war said as a mississippian that even though he, his people had lost the civil war, he was asked to mem orize it because it was such an extraordinary piece of diction such an extraordinary piece of rhetoric that it sort of would be remembered regardless. so i had never thought about it the other way. >> stephen: you started another project, what is it called, learn the address. >> yes. >> stephen: you were trying to get everybody in america to learn this address. >> yes, we were challenging everybody. if you go to learn the address.org you have all the living presidents, notable people, stephen colbert, lots of-- . >> stephen: how did you get him? (laughter) >> it was really tough. it was tough but de it. >> stephen: but why this address? i mean there are some great presidential speeches out there. why not william henry harrison's 400 words presidential inaugural address that was so powerful that it killed him. >> that he died! >> stephen: one month later. i mean that is a speech to mem orize. (applause)

maybe the next film. >> maybe, the presidency of william henry harrison. >> stephen: that would be a very short documentary. it's a station break on pbs. >> then i can't do it. >> stephen: ken burns, the-- res, we'll be right back. ♪ we got a random red couch, don't ask me why. ♪ ♪ people eatin' favorites with a girl or a guy. ♪ ♪ we got a random red couch, pull up a seat. ♪ ♪ you don't want to be the one with nothing' to eat. ♪

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>> stephen: that's it for the reports captioning sponsored by comedy central

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org pelton [over pa]: it's hard to believe that finals are here. and i know that during this stressful time, my voice blaring over a pa can't help. which is why, for the next three days, you'll hear nothing but soothing sounds of nature. and to kick it off, here's a babbling brook. [water burbling on recording over pa] will anyone back me up if i say this is ridiculous, or is it gonna be another avatar situation? i love avatar. what's avatar? okay! nature sounds or not, we're not gonna have trouble passing our spanish final. i've transcribed this semester's notes from my digital recorder. you record every class? spoiler alert. you mean "nerd alert." alert nerd.